Green

Sometimes, I eat breakfast.

starbcks man

Trying and failing to NOT burn my tongue while I sipped at a steaming cup of Starbucks, I turned the page of the most disturbing book I've read to date! My thoughts:  engaged in the subject of 'how'? How could the killer be so numb and unfeeling? How did he manage to be so sick in the head? How was he raised? How to NOT raise children to be like him? How to keep one's self from being the victim of such madness? And I slowly unveiled answers to these questions as I finished a line, a paragraph, and flipped another page. Minutes flew past me, as I found myself slipping into a plain where time feels immeasurable.

My concentration was at its height!

But even then, I couldn't ignore the awful disturbance coming from the far right, and my thoughts were halted. My eyes subconsciously glared in the direction I heard the ruckus coming from, and my eyes landed on an obese man who looked like he was in his early 30's. The man barely fit in his suit,  straining buttons each time he heaved on his straw. And that's what the ruckus was! It was straw-sucking! And this man was sucking with his whole body of to get the last few drops of the tall macha latte he had ordered, as if consuming the few remaining molecules of his beverage were a life and death matter! Ugh! There's hardly a drop left in your cup, greedy pig! 　I mentally yelled at him, as I turned back to my book. But right when I thought I had peace again, I hear this very heavy breathing coming from said direction. I turn my focus to Mr. Annoying, and there he is, with mouth half open,  breathing loudly as if it would help his digestion. Or perhaps he had exhausted himself from all the exertion from straw-sucking! Or something!!

THEN, as if that weren't enough, he began to mumble all to himself.... loud enough for me to be distracted from the most disgusting book EVER, but not loud enough for me to comprehend the mumblings that spilled out of his mouth in a steady stream of annoyance!

I made a face. I counted to ten. Then I counted to twenty. And then I just gave up trying to read all together. Becase now, he had my full attention as he shuffled in his seat, reading aloud the book he had on his table!!!!

Quiet Starbucks time ruined!!

Can't sleep

I can feel my heart thumping in my ears and my throat is tightening up as if to hold back a fit of meaningless sobs. My eyes ache, brimming with tears, but nothing comes out. I feel like screaming, so I do. I scream loud and long, my face buried in my pillow to keep my neighbors from calling the police--given the neighborhood and all they really would!-- and I feel terribly empty after doing so.

 My heart is still beating an unsettling beat in my rib cage, and I try to quiet it by curling up like a cat, pressing a pillow against my chest and I breath deeply. Why isn't the sleeping pill working? Nothing works, these days. 

I want to go home. I miss Mom and Dad. I miss feeling warm. I'm tired of trying to numb pain and conceal hurt. Heal me! 

So many things tick me off these days. 

Let me sleep!

Sleepless mumble

I'm presently reading a book that was recommended to me that matches my mood and which has thrusted me into a world of dark secrets, crime, and uncertainty. I'm captivated, and disturbed by human nature.

I miss my boyfriend. It's been difficult to meet up with him thanks to his irregular work schedule, and honestly, I'm surprised that we're still together. Despite what the girl friends say to make me feel better about myself, I'm totally leaveable and replaceable. It's frustrating that when I finally find some nice guy that I actually like, it has to be so one-sided.  I guess I'm out of luck until I find someone that is equally fucked up as I am.

Autumn

It's finally November, and here in Japan we can now feel and see autumn all around us: the leaves are  changing to a beautiful hue of browns and reds and the air has a crispness to it that is most welcome. We ( or is it just me?) can also feel a change in our spirits: heavy, lonely, … a sense of nothingness. 

Yes, it's November. 

Today and the past few have been bad. And I know how to make it better, but I lack the strength to take any such action, so I've been in a perpetual state of being pulled downwards. Unlike other days, I'm not fighting it, and I haven't been for sometime. But I've been in worse stages of 'bad' and I'm going to pull through. Somehow. 

No man's an island and this is a good thing, most of the times. But sometimes, it's really not. Especially when one's spirit is grey, and mine is many dark shades of greys and ugly blues. So I pull away, because its contagious and ugly, and I push away because its contagious and ugly. How long will this last? How long does winter last? Well, we'll see how we are fairing by spring, won't we? 

Such thoughts and their friends play their games in my mind as I sip at alcohol. The shy bartender is purposely avoiding  eye contact with me, (apparently, I make him feel uncomfortable) and the other customers are engaging in stupid drunk-talk. I loath. I yawn. My eyes hurt from too much iPhone and stupid Facebook posts. I miss him. He's sleeping, though. 

I should too.

Goodnight.

P.S

I'll delete this. Then again, impressive iPhone-typing! Wonder exactly how many minutes it took me…  getting quite good at this!

New colors

Enjoying another three day holiday, and took the opportunity to fancy up my nails. I had recently bought a new set of gel colors which I thought would be perfect for autumn. I was right! I complimented the nail-do with an arrangement of gold stones.

Halloween 2013

When I look back on last year around this time of year when girls won't be judged for dressing up like sluts from the underworld, and everybody else can pretend to be what/who ever they like to be and also not be judged, I notice a difference in my self. Last year, I was counting seconds till the Halloween event being held at a then-favorite bar, and I remember making sure I had enough money for some cute costume that I only ended up wearing once. This year though, I felt …nothing. Sure I was happy     to see my dear friends who took time out of their schedule to see me, but it had nothing to do with halloween. Despite  my low spirits, time spent with kindred souls is precious. I enjoyed myself a lot and wish such fun times could stretch on longer. 

But if it weren't just pretend, if I could actually be somebody else even just for a period of time, I would choose to be somebody who knew how to be more optimistic and positive with a less obsessive personality. Also I'd wish for  significantly smaller boobs.